Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Where'd I Go??

A few weeks ago I posted about our upcoming trip to Hawaii (Road to Paradise). I complained about being overweight, but said I wasn't going to worry about it. Oh, how I wish that were true. It may have been my intention, but there's no way around it. It is on my mind. Not that it will ruin my vacation because I know it won't. But it's still there.

I had an interesting (if not very common with women) conversation with my friend, Terri, on Sunday. She had asked a friend why this friend never told her she was fat. Her friend responded, "I don't see you as fat." And she's not fat! But her perception of herself and our perception of her are very different. How many people do you know whose physical appearance has been transformed when you get to know them? Pretty soon you see their spirit and not them. (Though I confess to noticing pretty clothes and nice hair).

But I don't trust others to see me that way. I certainly don't see me that way. I look in the mirror or at a picture of me and all I see is a person I don't recognize. I want to scream, "This is not me!! I am NOT this person!!"

I had gained the majority of my weight before I moved to Pennsylvania so this is all anyone here knows. I told Terri that I feel like nobody up here knows the real me. Not one person has made me feel judged on my appearance, and yet for some reason I think about it.

I'm a very open and honest person. I don't know how to be otherwise. There are certain things I may not talk about, but for the most part I'll tell you anything you want to know. And stuff you don't want to know, as evidenced by this blog. Terri said, "Oh, we know the real you." And I know she's right. This is me. The real me.

The stupidity of these thoughts is epic. I have made wonderful friends up here, both in church and in the neighborhood. They see through my physical appearance and like me for who I am. And what kind of arrogance do I have to think I'm the only one who likes people for their insides, not their outsides?

I've always said if someone doesn't like me because of the way I look then I don't want to be their friend anyway. Why would I want to hang out with someone that shallow and petty? And I truly mean it. So why do I care??

Thankfully this negativity doesn't consume me. Oh, I probably think about it more than I should, but it doesn't keep me from being happy. I know where my joy lies and it certainly isn't in what size clothes I wear.

Maybe I'll lose the weight someday. I would like to be healthier and I'm pretty sure I would feel better. But I wonder what I'll think about then.

***

I have a new post up at Mothers with Cancer.

Labels: Health, Mothers With Cancer, weight management

Mused by Jenster :: 9:41 AM :: 14 People musing:

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Monday, June 30, 2008

'LIL K ROCKS THE HOUSE

Katie was awesome last night. Some day maybe I won't be quite so shocked when I see her singing on a stage. But until the novelty wears off I'll enjoy the, "I can't believe that's my baby" and "Where did she get that incredible voice?"

Let me back up just a little bit here. You all probably think I believe my kids to be perfect. Every time I write about them it's pretty much something positive, never anything negative. I'm not trying to show them in a false light, I just figure the negative is their story to tell and it's not my place. I may be upset with them, but I don't want to humiliate them in such a public venue.

That said, Katie is grounded. Her grounding started Saturday afternoon. Her "infraction" was telling Todd and me a falsehood last week. When the lie was revealed I had two thoughts: 1) Disappointment because, well, she lied to us; and 2) Honey, if you're going to lie make it a good one. She would have been in some trouble and probably would have received a really good scolding if she'd told the truth. But instead she lied about it and ended up grounded for a week.

I had told her she couldn't go to Youth Group on Sunday night and she was not pleased, though she is accepting everything without pouting and flouncing so she gets kudos for that. This decision didn't sit well with me because I don't think it's right to use church as a form of punishment. But she just has so much fun there and she's not supposed to have any fun right now, dangit!!

One of the Youth Interns, Adam, came up to me at church yesterday morning and said, "Hey. I know Katie is grounded and you told her she can't come tonight, but can she at least come for the message? You know, you can bring her when the service starts and take her home as soon as it's over." This made great sense to me so I agreed. "But no hanging out with your friends afterwards," I told her. She was pretty happy with this small victory.

After church the kids and I were eating lunch at the table while Todd was doing some running around and I was telling Katie she needed to unload the dishwasher and pick up her mess in the basement before she could go to Impact (the Junior High portion of Youth Group). It was nearly 2:00 and the phone rang. It was Alex calling to see if Katie could sing. Talk about a HUGE surprise!!

She was incredibly animated - face-splitting grin, large eyes, barely keeping her feet on the floor - and she said, "I'm grounded right now so I'll have to ask my mom." Grounded or not, how could I say no? Especially when the very wise Taylor, better known as Smarty McSmart Pants, said, "You're not going to keep her from working for Jesus are you??" Yeah. That's what I live with.

So at 2:00 she and Taylor went down to the basement and they worked on the songs until nearly 3:00 when I drove them to the church so Katie would have a few hours to practice.

I like the format we use on Sunday evenings. Impact - 6th through 8th grade - has a worship service from 6:00 to 7:00. At 7:00 they get to hang out with their friends until 8:00 or so. Riot - 9th through 12th grade - gets to hang out from 6:00 to 7:00, at which time they go in for their service. They come out at 8:00 and hang out until about 9:00. This is a great way to do things because sometimes the message for the older kids is a bit more intense. This means, however, that the band plays twice.

When I got to the church a little before 6:00 with my friend, Kris, and her daughter, Shelby, in tow, I asked Katie if she was nervous. She said not for Impact (she is at the top as an 8th grader, after all), but she was a little freaked out about singing for the high school group.

She sang "We Won't Be Quiet" by the David Crowder Band and "Indescribable" by Chris Tomlin. And she was backed up by another new singer - a 9th grader. She has a few things to work on but some of those will be non-issues when she gets more than a few hours of warning. And as Frank Chiapperino (the current Big Kahuna of Youth Group while we're looking for a new Youth Minister) said, she has 5 years to hone her skill with the Youth Band.

One of the techies taped her performance and will be emailing it to either Todd or me. She was a little disappointed in her performance - even though EVERYONE told her she was amazing - so I don't know if she'll let me post it or not. The fact that this was the first time she's ever sang with a live band and had no time to prepare didn't seem to mean much to her. During Impact she started "Indescribable" out of key because she couldn't hear herself over the band. But she got it pretty quickly and by the time she sang for Riot she was pitch perfect. And she mixed up some of the words in "We Won't Be Quiet". Hello. First time ever. Last minute thing. Not much practice. HELLO!

Unfortunately for her, it all had to end. She's back to being grounded.

Labels: church, kids, music, worship

Mused by Jenster :: 7:45 AM :: 11 People musing:

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Sunday, June 29, 2008

AVMDIJ & "More"



Stop the presses!! Have I got a news breaking headline!! And this isn't even part of today's post!!

A few weeks ago I told you Katie had tried out for the Youth Band at church and had made it. She wasn't supposed to start singing for another month or so, but she just got a call from the Student Worship Leader, Alex, who asked if she could sing tonight. TONIGHT PEOPLE!! She hasn't practiced - heck, we just went online to see what songs they're singing tonight - but she's up for the challenge. Taylor is practicing with her in the basement while this goes to press.

So guess what I'm doing tonight? Instead of just hanging out with Todd while the kids are at Youth Group, I'm video taping her debut. If I get her permission and I figure out what I'm doing (I'll be checking with Sing 4 Joy) I'll put it on YouTube or GodTube and post it later in the week. I know she's more than capable, but since this is her first time and it was a last minute thing it may not be up to her standards. I'll let her make the call.










Today the worship team sang this song during communion. This song holds such a special place in my heart because when Katie was about 9 or 10 we were chatting in the car and I told her I loved her. Instead of the usual, "I love you, too", or even more common, "I know," she started singing the chorus of More by Matthew West to me.



I love you more than the sun and the stars that I taught how to shine, you are mine, and you shine for me, too.
I love you yesterday and today and tomorrow. I'll say it again and again. I love you more.

Can a mother's heart get any fuller without completely exploding? Comparing a mother's love for her child to God's love for us is a common theme among parents. But what about a child's love for a parent? I remember thinking I loved my mom and dad more than they loved me when I was young. It's as deep and intense as it gets when you're a kid.

So if my child loves me that much (we always have these arguments over who loves the other more) how much more does God love me? I don't believe we have an adequate scale to comprehend it. I just know it's MORE.

Labels: church, God, kids, love, nostalgia, Verse of the Day

Mused by Jenster :: 1:47 PM :: 9 People musing:

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Friday, June 27, 2008

Buttons and Bows

Look at this beautiful button the Mayor of Lemonland, now called Worldwide Breast Cancer created for Mothers With Cancer.






I've added it to my sidebar with a direct link to the website. It took me a bit to figure out how to link the image, but I finally did it!! If you would like to add it to your sidebar with a direct link and don't know how, let me know. I'm more than happy to send you the html codes.

If you DO add it to your site let the Moms know so we can add your link to our Supporters page and enter you in our upcoming Summer Fun give away!

Labels: Mothers With Cancer

Mused by Jenster :: 8:30 AM :: 5 People musing:

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

A Bunch of Good Stuff

So what's up? Nothin' much going on here. Just the usual. You know. Todd's at work - he's got major short timer's disease, but he's making a valiant effort; Katie's babysitting; Taylor's at CIY in Tennessee - kind of like church camp only much more intense. Katie's Little Homies are going camping this afternoon through Saturday morning so Todd and I get some just us time. I think I'm going to make reservations at that new Italian restaurant we were going to eat at for our anniversary, but they were booked. Yeah. That's a great idea.





We watched "Fools' Gold" last night and LOVED IT! The chemistry between Kate Hudson and Matthew McConnohotty is nearly palpable. It had everything I love in a movie. Adventure, romance, humor, an exotic location and even a bit of history. Well, made up history, but still.




The prude that I am was a little disappointed at a flash of anonymous boobies. It's PG-13, for cryin' out loud. It was a quick flash, but so very unnecessary. It reminded me of when I was in 8th grade and my AT group went into Hollywood to see Romeo and Juliet at Grauman's Chinese Theater. Really cool experience, but the boys in the group were thrilled when Olivia Hussey jumped out of bed, baring her chest. (But really, what do you expect with a name like Hussey?) The girls were just embarrassed. And a little envious. Or maybe that was just me.



OH! Have I told you we actually have a Sonic AND a real Starbucks with a drive through now? Maybe two miles from the house, if that. The only problem with the Sonic is it's such a novelty up here that they have to have traffic managers with walkie talkies directing cars who are waiting for the next available slot. It's totally insane. I mean, I love Sonic and all - you know I do - but it's not THAT great.

Last Sunday after Youth Group a bunch of the older kids went to Sonic. They parked in the lot and walked over to order and eat at the picnic tables out front. You order in the same kind of speaker box as if you'd pulled up to a slot, but you give them your name so when they come out they know where the order goes. So here's the conversation with the Sonic chick and my son:

SC: What's your name?

T: Taylor.

SC: What is it?

T: Taylor.

SC: Tyler?

T: Taylor.

SC: What was that?

T: Billy.

SC: Billy?

T: Yup.



This is the top of the swimsuit I bought for Hawaii the other day. I consider it was a good day because I didn't cry in the dressing room. Didn't even feel the urge. I certainly don't like the way I look in a swimsuit. Heck, I didn't like it when I was 40 pounds lighter. But it is what it is so there's no sense getting depressed about it. But what thrilled me was the fact it's just a normal top and it just happens to hide both my mastectomy scar (my left mastectomy scar is pretty high up) and my port scar. I also got two different bottoms - red regular bottoms and a coral SwimMini.



This morning I found a great deal on plane reservations for my parents to come up for Thanksgiving. So I called Mom and we booked those babies before they went away. Mom and Dad actually get in on my 43rd birthday. I think we'll celebrate with a chocolate cake and 29 candles. It's just been the four of us for the last two Thanksgivings so we're really looking forward to having some family to help us celebrate.



All this goodness leads me to today's verse.

If you, then, though you are evil,
know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your Father in heaven give
good gifts to those who ask him!

Labels: birthdays, blessings, family, fun, God, holidays, homies, humor, kids, laughter, movies, nostalgia, random, reconstruction, vacation, Verse of the Day

Mused by Jenster :: 9:41 AM :: 16 People musing:

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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

What Do I See?

Back in my 20s I started having trouble reading street signs and bumper stickers and license plates. A trip to the eye doctor confirmed I was slightly nearsighted and glasses for distance were prescribed. My driver's license reflected this so when it was time to renew at 35 I decided another trip to the eye doctor was in order. My glasses just weren't doing their job anymore and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to pass the eye test.

After the exam the doctor told me he had good news and bad news. The good news was I had 20/20 vision and I no longer needed glasses for distance. Silly me! I thought I needed a stronger prescription because things were getting a little blurry with my current lenses. I was feeling a bit smug here because, well, I was aging, but my eyesight was getting better. What a nice little birthday present for me!

The bad news, however, was that I was on a pendulum swinging from nearsighted to farsighted. He told me I would be back to needing glasses at 40. Well, somewhere around that time I noticed the print in my books was getting smaller so I bought a cheap pair of reading glasses at Walgreens. Lately I've been thinking how nice it would be if my arms were just a little bit longer.

So yesterday Katie and I both had eye exams. We thought Katie was nearsighted because she has trouble seeing the board at school. When the eye is looking at something close the muscles around the lens contract. When the eye is looking at a distance the muscles relax. Katie's muscles aren't relaxing like they should and that's why she's having a hard time seeing the board. So she's been prescribed reading glasses in an effort to keep those muscles more relaxed. Interesting, isn't it?

As for me, I still have 20/20 vision. Yes, unless there's something wrong with YOUR eyesight, you read that right. When I want to I can read the fine print. The problem is I have to work too hard to do so. My cheap plastic reading glasses help a little, but I'm going to get good reading glasses and give my eyes a break. I hope this will step up my reading a bit. I'm only on my 10th book of the year, down from 28 books the same time two years ago (which was down from my pre-cancer reading days when I ignored my family and responsibilities just to finish a book). I do wear out faster and I think I'm probably exhausting my eyes. So who knows! Another month and I may be back to ignoring my family and responsibilities again!

Katie and I both had our eyes dilated and thankfully we live fairly close to the doctor's office because things were really fuzzy for a while. Which made me think of today's verse.






Someday we'll get to see the completed puzzle with perfect vision. Awesome!

Labels: Health, reading, Verse of the Day

Mused by Jenster :: 7:36 AM :: 11 People musing:

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Monday, June 23, 2008

MWC Post

Just wanted to let you know if you're interested that I have a new post up at Mothers With Cancer. You can click here to read it.

Labels: Mothers With Cancer

Mused by Jenster :: 6:00 PM :: 3 People musing:

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---------------oOo--------------- A Change in the Air

Our family, or at least our marriage, is about to take on a new dimension. Todd begins work with a new company next week. It will require a bit of travel - maybe a little more than he travels now only more spread out instead of two or three weeks every quarter. The real difference will be that he'll be working from home when he's not traveling. Did you get that? He will be working from HOME.

For the most part I'm looking forward to it. We'll be saving a bundle on petrol (doesn't that make me sound so very European?) and I think I've talked him into swimming with me. I'm hoping he'll drag me along on those days I don't want to go (which is probably just about every day). He will only require clean and pressed "nice" clothes when he travels - which really won't change much of anything for me because it's not like I iron like I should anyway. I'll also have a daily lunch buddy. I think it's going to be nice.

Realistically, however, I imagine there will be an adjustment period. Every time he's at home he throws me off my mojo and I'm not sure why. My routine just seems to go right out the window. That will not be acceptable if he's home every day. How in the world will I spend hours on the computer or reading with a messy kitchen and piles of laundry?

I am seriously proud of him. It's funny because when we were dating I knew he was smart, but I didn't know he was THIS smart. For the last several years he's been working in the electricity sector - not for an electric company, but for a Regional Transmission Office (RTO). I liken an RTO to an electricity broker. They "trade" electricity between electric companies in their region and watch the transmission lines, making sure they don't overload here or run out there. That's the Jenster's Mega-Simplified Version, but I think you can get an idea of what his company does.

Have you seen Live Free or Die Hard? If you haven't you should. It's one of the most realistic action movies I've ever seen. (That statement, my friends, is dripping with sarcasm.) If you can suspend belief it's awfully fun. Definitely one of my favorite car-chase-explosion-shoot-'em-up movies to date. The reason I bring it up is because a terrorist targets the electric grid, among other utilities. Imagine, if you will, what would happen if the entire US electric grid was shut down. It's not a pretty thought at all. Which is why it's high on Homeland Security's list of possible terrorist targets.

Which brings me to Todd's job. In a nutshell he's responsible for making sure the various departments are following procedures and compliant with the government regulations. All electricity entities, including the RTOs, are periodically audited and it can prove bad for them if they are found to be non-compliant.

He works with others across the U.S. and Canada in similar positions and the FBI and Homeland Security to come up with these regulated procedures to insure protection against a terrorist attack on the electric grid.

His new job is for NERC - North American Electric Reliability Corporation - the pseudo-government organization that does the auditing. Yup. He will no longer be the stressed out auditEE, if you will, but the in charge auditOR.

I know, I know. "Auditor" has such a negative connotation to it. But I like the idea of someone out there making sure these companies are doing what they need to be doing so we can continue to enjoy our a/c and TV and lights and refrigerated food and so on, not to mention health care machinery like life support, etc.

If you'll indulge my bragging just a smidgen longer. According to his new boss he is considered a national expert in the electricity sector. I admit it. I'm fairly preening with pride right now. That's my man. All mine!

He starts this new position in July, though he'll be at the home office in Princeton, New Jersey for a bit of it before we go to Hawaii. You know, orientation and all that. Then we'll be settling into our new arrangement. Should be interesting...

Labels: change, job, movies, sarcasm

Mused by Jenster :: 9:19 AM :: 16 People musing:

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