Jenster's Musings

Thursday, August 07, 2008

I Love It, I Love It Not

I can never decide if I love summer or hate it. I don't welcome the heat and humidity, though this summer hasn't been bad at all. I love the beginning of summer. A respite from early mornings, hanging out with the kids, the promise of fun things to do. By the same token I love the end of summer. A respite from the kids, hanging out with my homies, a structure to the chaos.

The biggest problem I've had with summer since I started staying home is the lack of routine. Everything suffers, but nothing more acutely than my quiet time. When the kids were younger it was easy for me to blame it on them. That was back during the days when they were up early and demanded much more attention. Now I'm the one demanding attention so I can't use them for an excuse anymore.

Right now I feel like a total poser. I've been a Christian for a long time now so I've learned how to talk the talk and even look like I'm walking the walk. If it weren't for my loathing of drama I would have made a great actress.

My Distance-Between-Me-And-Christ litmus test is my thoughts more than my actions. Generally my actions belie the turmoil in my head and my heart. I become more judgmental, but I keep those thoughts to myself. I become less patient, but... okay. Maybe this one is seen by my family. I become more hateful in my head. I find myself desiring more in the way of possessions. Jealousy, envy, and a whole host of ugliness take up residence in my heart when I'm far from God.

Being a Christian is a responsibility. It's my responsibility to be a good example to my children. Um, I think they're doing way better than I am at the moment. It's a responsibility to my friends - iron sharpening iron and all that. I have my Little Homies to think of and women in and out of church as I embark on an incredible Women's Ministry adventure.

I've always sort of wanted an icthus (Christian fish symbol) on the back of my car. I'm certainly not ashamed of my beliefs so shouldn't I let everyone know? But do you know what's held me back all these years? I've always said that Christians do the most harm to Christianity. What if I had a Christian symbol on the back of my car and yet drove like a demon? What if I lost my patience with the person in front of me? That happens way more than I like. I don't want to damage anyone's tenuous faith and sometimes all it takes is a "Christian" doing something less than Christ-like.

Well now I find myself living less than Christ-like and it's not just a moment. Oh, I'm not doing anything bad. I'm not leaving my husband or beating my children or drinking in the closet or, well, you get the idea. But I haven't been spending time with Jesus like I need to. My tank has been on empty for a while now and I'm cruising on fumes. But those fumes eventually run out.

When summer is over I'll have my daily routine. I'll be back in home team and studying the Bible with other women. I'll have my morning quiet time over coffee and things will be as they should. But school doesn't start for another two-plus weeks. I can't wait that long. So this morning I did what I should have been doing all summer. And that is I did NOTHING until I'd spent some time with God. Well, that's not entirely true. I did let Sookie out. THEN I spent some time with God and His word. I gave the reigns over to him and yet I felt more in control today than I have for a long time.

I love that God is such a gentleman and doesn't push himself onto us. When I'm so weak and undisciplined I almost wish he'd push just a little, though. Oh, I feel the nudges of the Spirit when my conscience twinges, but that gets easier to ignore over time. But more than God's polite and patient ways I love that He's right there, arms open and waiting for me. Every.Single.Time.

After thinking about it I've decided I really do love summer. Especially now.

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Mused by Jenster :: 10:30 AM :: 17 People musing:

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