Saturday, January 31, 2009

Time

Crossposted at Mothers With Cancer

Todd and I will celebrate our 21st anniversary in June. Some days it doesn’t seem half that long and others it seems like our golden anniversary is just a few years away. I’ve been trying to organize all my photographs from the past 21+ years and I can’t help but linger over pictures of the kids at different stages of their lives. It’s a bittersweet thing to be sure. How did Taylor go from that six-year-old muscle man to a junior in high school considering colleges and careers? Or that adorable three-year-old girl with the curly brown hair. When did Katie turn into a 14-year-old with the confidence to sing in front of an audience of junior high and high school students?

“Cherish these moments. They won’t last long.” How often did I hear those words when my kids were small? Probably more than I can count. I listened and I DID cherish those moments. The conveyers of such wisdom were right. Each instant was over in a blink of an eye.

I love getting a glimpse of the adults Taylor and Katie are turning into. Most of the time I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with my teenagers, but sometimes I wish I could just jump in a time machine and go back to when they were little.

Time is such a funny thing. It never goes at the same speed. When you’re sitting in a boring classroom those 50 minutes seem to stretch on forever. But when you’re doing something you love it seems to breeze by. While I was looking through the photographs it hit me. I’m three months shy of the four year anniversary of my diagnosis.

That first year felt more like several years. I’d start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, only to realize it was a speeding train heading right for me. It was a frustrating year, full of immense physical and emotional struggles. I really thought once I was told there was no more cancer (never thinking I might have a metastasis or recurrence) everything would get back to normal.

But instead of normal, my family moved, settled into our new home, and then I started planning my reconstruction. Once I felt recovered from that I found myself having a complete hysterectomy with removal of my ovaries, throwing me into instant menopause for the third time. It was just one thing after another after another.
2008 was the first year since my diagnosis that was truly good. It took three years for me to get to that point and it felt like forever. But now it sometimes seems like a lifetime ago. Until I wear myself out and end up with thrush and ulcers on the roof of my mouth, courtesy of whatever funky things chemo did to me three years ago.

I don’t delude myself into thinking it will ever be forgotten. My body will always carry the battle scars as reminders. I am once again a happy and contented person except now there is a bit of mournfulness just under the surface that wasn’t there before. That has gotten better with time and I am hopeful it will someday go away - maybe when I finally and completely accept my “new normal.”

Three-and-a-half years ago, when I had just barely started down this path, I thought the journey ended after the treatment and the reconstruction and hearing the words, “No Evidence of Disease”. At that time I felt as though I was progressing so slowly and the road to the final destination would be an excruciatingly long one. What I have learned, however, is the journey never ends. Thankfully the scenery changes, though. The desert that appears never ending does finally lead to greener pastures and the journey becomes much more tolerable and eventually pleasurable.

Just like I would love to travel back in time to when my kids were little, I would love to travel back in time to four years ago; before my world changed forever. But if I were to stay in the past I would miss out on so much the present has to offer. Two incredible teenagers who make me laugh and smile and, yes, a little crazy. And a life with more wisdom and depth and even purpose than I knew before.

So if you are in the middle of the desert and are blessed to fully recover from cancer, I offer you hope. The time may drag by right now, but this too shall pass. I promise.

Labels: breast cancer, kids, Mothers With Cancer, nostalgia

Mused by Jenster :: 6:34 PM :: 7 People musing:

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Wednesday, October 01, 2008

October Musings

Where has the year gone? I can hardly believe it's already October. Mostly I'm very happy about it. I love the cooler temperatures and the changing leaves and the smells of autumn. And as I said in an earlier post, every weekend this month is something unusually fun for me.

At the same time, however, I can't escape breast cancer. Now granted I have learned to embrace pink and I write about my experience, but that's all on my time. If I want to hang up my breast cancer hat for day or so I can. Not this month, though.

I'm hoping this year will be a little better than last year. Not once during October of 2007 did I talk about breast cancer. It wasn't until November when I wrote Blasted October, a post lamenting my dislike of Breast Cancer Awareness. I mean, for hundreds of thousands of us every month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I am farther along this year than I was last year, but I still haven't totally accepted my new normal. I'm getting there. Slowly, but I'm working on it. So I may not write a lot about breast cancer, at least not on this blog. Then again every post might be about the disease. Not likely, but I suppose it could happen.

On a VERY happy note that totally overshadows whatever feeling I may have about all the pink ribbons out there, our weather is going to be Fallish tomorrow and Friday we're driving to Rutgers University to meet up with our Hawaiian friends and watch their daughter play soccer. She was recently named the BIG EAST Offensive Player of the Week, a first for Rutgers in six years!

So watch me go, all enjoying October and having a good time and ignoring the pink splattered throughout the rusts and golds and burgundies and oranges of Fall. I may not have the best eye, but even I know pink clashes with the warmer tones of Autumn!

Labels: breast cancer, friends, fun, Health, hope, Mothers With Cancer, nostalgia, weather, weekend plans, whiney

Mused by Jenster :: 8:21 AM :: 6 People musing:

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Monday, September 01, 2008

WOW

Last night was a family affair at our church's youth group. My son played electric bass in the worship band, my husband worked the tech booth, I registered the students and my daughter? My daughter blew me away.

We have a large number of kids who come on Sunday nights so the youth is divided into two groups. At 6:00 the junior high kids (6th through 8th) have a worship service and the senior high kids just hang out. At 7:00 they switch. We are in between youth ministers right now and we have these incredible college students who are filling in while we're looking for the perfect fit. Last night was April's turn to speak and her topic was worrying.

She had called Katie earlier in the week to ask her if she would be willing to come up on stage and talk about her worries from a few years ago. Katie agreed so last night I stepped in to hear what she had to say. I hate to be redundant, but she blew me away.

Katie will be 14 in less than two months. She has a beautiful singing voice and I'm always amazed when she gets up and sings in front of a bunch of people. But I'd never heard her speak in front of a crowd before. My baby girl was replaced by an eloquent and poised young lady. She said she was a little nervous speaking to the high school kids because they're older, but you sure couldn't tell. She seemed so calm and confident and I was one very proud mama.

She told the audiences when she was ten her dad got a job in Pennsylvania so he quit his job in Little Rock. She said how she worried about moving so far away and not knowing anybody. She talked about how her mom got breast cancer before her dad had even started his new job and how she was worried her mother wasn't going to be around. She said her father came home every other weekend and how afraid she was her relationship with "Daddy" was going to change and not be close anymore. *sigh* So much for a ten-year-old to worry about. But she also talked about how her mom is okay now, how she has great friends and likes it up here, how she hasn't lost touch with her friends from Arkansas, and how she and her dad are as close as ever.

Apparently nobody told Dad what she was going to be talking about so it caught him totally unawares. Poor guy. I was standing on the opposite side of the tech booth and could hear him sniffing while one of the teenage boys who work in there with him was patting him on the back. Thankfully I was prepared, though it still choked me up. I'm not sure if it was because of what she said or because of the overwhelming pride I felt. Probably a bit of both.

Or maybe it was simply the fact that she's okay. All the trauma this family has been through and she's okay. She didn't come away scarred. She's a little less naive and a little more aware. But she's okay. And isn't that what every mother wants for her child?

Crossposted at Mothers with Cancer

Labels: breast cancer, church, family, Health, joy, kids, Mothers With Cancer, moving

Mused by Jenster :: 5:46 PM :: 15 People musing:

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Sunday, August 03, 2008

A Little Good

I used to hate grocery shopping. I really, truly hated it with an unbridled passion. There were so many other things I would have rather been doing like weaving a basket or giving the fish a bath. But since Director of Purchasing was one of my job titles the chore fell to me.

You can read the rest at Mothers With Cancer

Labels: Mothers With Cancer

Mused by Jenster :: 4:52 PM :: 1 People musing:

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Sunday, July 06, 2008

Goodbye Andrea

Andrea at PunkRockMommy passed away this morning. I can honestly say I have never admired anybody more than I admire her. Her blog was a diary of her journey with breast cancer and the one thing that shines with every post is her faith in God. She knew her time was quickly coming to an end and yet she still wrote to encourage others. She had that "peace that passes understanding" and it was evident in every word. The post which the above-link takes you to is her last post. It talks about her passing. It is sad and joyful and moving and tragically beautiful. My heart aches for her husband and her children, but it soars for her because she's no longer sick or in pain. In fact, she's praising God with the angels in her distinctively punk rock mommy style!

Labels: breast cancer, God, Mothers With Cancer

Mused by Jenster :: 1:32 PM :: 7 People musing:

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Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Where'd I Go??

A few weeks ago I posted about our upcoming trip to Hawaii (Road to Paradise). I complained about being overweight, but said I wasn't going to worry about it. Oh, how I wish that were true. It may have been my intention, but there's no way around it. It is on my mind. Not that it will ruin my vacation because I know it won't. But it's still there.

I had an interesting (if not very common with women) conversation with my friend, Terri, on Sunday. She had asked a friend why this friend never told her she was fat. Her friend responded, "I don't see you as fat." And she's not fat! But her perception of herself and our perception of her are very different. How many people do you know whose physical appearance has been transformed when you get to know them? Pretty soon you see their spirit and not them. (Though I confess to noticing pretty clothes and nice hair).

But I don't trust others to see me that way. I certainly don't see me that way. I look in the mirror or at a picture of me and all I see is a person I don't recognize. I want to scream, "This is not me!! I am NOT this person!!"

I had gained the majority of my weight before I moved to Pennsylvania so this is all anyone here knows. I told Terri that I feel like nobody up here knows the real me. Not one person has made me feel judged on my appearance, and yet for some reason I think about it.

I'm a very open and honest person. I don't know how to be otherwise. There are certain things I may not talk about, but for the most part I'll tell you anything you want to know. And stuff you don't want to know, as evidenced by this blog. Terri said, "Oh, we know the real you." And I know she's right. This is me. The real me.

The stupidity of these thoughts is epic. I have made wonderful friends up here, both in church and in the neighborhood. They see through my physical appearance and like me for who I am. And what kind of arrogance do I have to think I'm the only one who likes people for their insides, not their outsides?

I've always said if someone doesn't like me because of the way I look then I don't want to be their friend anyway. Why would I want to hang out with someone that shallow and petty? And I truly mean it. So why do I care??

Thankfully this negativity doesn't consume me. Oh, I probably think about it more than I should, but it doesn't keep me from being happy. I know where my joy lies and it certainly isn't in what size clothes I wear.

Maybe I'll lose the weight someday. I would like to be healthier and I'm pretty sure I would feel better. But I wonder what I'll think about then.

***

I have a new post up at Mothers with Cancer.

Labels: Health, Mothers With Cancer, weight management

Mused by Jenster :: 9:41 AM :: 16 People musing:

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Friday, June 27, 2008

Buttons and Bows

Look at this beautiful button the Mayor of Lemonland, now called Worldwide Breast Cancer created for Mothers With Cancer.






I've added it to my sidebar with a direct link to the website. It took me a bit to figure out how to link the image, but I finally did it!! If you would like to add it to your sidebar with a direct link and don't know how, let me know. I'm more than happy to send you the html codes.

If you DO add it to your site let the Moms know so we can add your link to our Supporters page and enter you in our upcoming Summer Fun give away!

Labels: Mothers With Cancer

Mused by Jenster :: 8:30 AM :: 5 People musing:

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Monday, June 23, 2008

MWC Post

Just wanted to let you know if you're interested that I have a new post up at Mothers With Cancer. You can click here to read it.

Labels: Mothers With Cancer

Mused by Jenster :: 6:00 PM :: 3 People musing:

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Monday, June 09, 2008

Introducing...

Being a mom is hard work. Anyone who thinks otherwise is either delusional or has never been a mom. Going through surgery and treatment for cancer, along with its lingering effects, is also hard work. Put them both together and you've got quite a challenge. Sadly, there are a lot of women who fall into this category. A few of you cyberfriends unfortunately come to mind.

When I was diagnosed Katie was 10 and Taylor was a few days shy of turning 13. The only "cancer moms" I knew of, I didn't really know. I finally found some women at a message board who started chemo for breast cancer the same month I did. A few of them were mothers and it was great to chat with them, to encourage and be encouraged.

Not all women in the same position have had that available to them. Not until now, anyway. For the last year Whymommy at Toddler Planet has been blogging about her experience with cancer and chemo and radiation and mothering two young boys. She's been an incredible resource for so many people, mostly women, on so many levels. But now she's taken it a step further.

Today is the official launch date for a new website - Mothers With Cancer. There are sixteen contributing moms, myself included, and while none of us are happy about fitting the criteria, we're thrilled at the prospect of helping other women in the same situation. Our cancers and our stories are different, but there are two common denominators - cancer and mothering.

If you know anybody who could benefit from this website, please direct them there.

Labels: Mothers With Cancer

Mused by Jenster :: 9:33 AM :: 11 People musing:

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