Sunday, July 05, 2009

Just Keepin' Her Humble


As most everybody who reads this knows, being a parent is hard work. We're responsible for so much. There are the basics like feeding, clothing, safety, health, etc. That's the easy part. The hard part is building character. I mean, we're going to build some kind of character regardless. The challenge is what type of character.

Tonight I did my best to instill a humble spirit in my daughter. She sang harmony in the band at church tonight and rock star status can have a detrimental effect on one's ego. Not only that, but her stage presence was suffering. So I stood in the back with two friends, Stacey and Darlene, and danced for a reaction. I would say I was getting my praise on, but I don't think my movements screamed "Moved by the Spirit" in any form or fashion. What the three of us accomplished was getting her to crack up so much that she couldn't even sing. Which leaves her with a humble spirit. Or humiliated spirit. Is there a difference?

To add insult to injury to the lesson, Katie and I were both wearing jeans and a green t-shirt. Not on purpose, either. But when a high schooler is dressed like her mommy - well, not so cool.

Yea, how didst thy delight in thine offspring's mortification?
With great leaping and joy, sayeth Jenster.

Labels: attitude

Mused by Jenster :: 9:19 PM :: 8 People musing:

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Saturday, March 21, 2009

I Can't Be Depressed. I'm A Christian.

WARNING: The following post may be lengthy, convoluted, angsty and just plain lousy.

I have always been a pretty happy person. Things never really bothered me, I got along well with just about everybody, I was usually good for a smile or a laugh. I'm still that same person, but something has changed over the last couple of years.

Depression is just not something I've ever had to deal with. Oh sure, I've been sad - I suppose I've had situational depression. I would guess everybody has that at one time or another. But I've never suffered from clinical depression. Even when I was diagnosed with cancer; even when I was going through chemotherapy; even when Todd was living 1200 miles away - I don't think I was clinically depressed.

Now? I'm not so sure. Not ever having experienced it before I'm not positive what I'm going through. The word depression has flitted through my conscience, but I dismiss it as soon as it shows up. I'm hesitant to go see my doctor about this because I fear he'll take the easy way out and say, "Yeah, you're depressed. Take a happy pill once a day and you'll be fine." Now I'm not opposed to that if it's what I truly need, but I want to be sure before I start popping pretty colored capsules on a regular basis.

A friend of mine used to suffer from severe clinical depression complete with feelings of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. She fought professional help because she had been told one time or another that good Christians didn't suffer from depression. She also tried to kill herself. Thankfully she has since gotten the help she needs and today she is a happy, thriving, GOOD CHRISTIAN, who manages her condition with medication and counseling. I remember feeling so angry on her behalf that she would have such baggage. Real depression is a physical condition, not a weakness of the mind.

What I'm struggling with in no way mirrors my friend's struggles and yet I find myself thinking, "If I was just closer to God I wouldn't be feeling this way." Makes me want to smack me. Now don't get me wrong. I wholeheartedly believe Jesus keeps me stabilized. In fact, I KNOW Jesus keeps me stabilized. I'm sure my emotions would be even messier without Him! But there's definitely something else going on that hasn't before.

So what IS going on? Is it because my hormones have been totally out of whack for the last few years? I suppose it could be. I've also read (but I can't remember where so I don't know how reliable this source is) that chemotherapy can cause the chemical imbalance which, in turn, causes depression. I know it's not a thyroid issue (which can cause similar symptoms) because I get that checked every six months.

But I'm always tired and run down. We missed a party last weekend because by 4:00 my head felt like it would explode and I just wanted to sleep. We made it to a different party this past Friday, but as much as I wanted to go (and did have a great time), I would have been content to stay at home and chill on the sofa. Today I was going to go into Philadelphia with a friend of mine for fun and a free photography lesson (she's an awesome photographer). I had to back out because I've been "too tired and distracted" to finish up something I'd committed to do a while go and it needs to be done by tomorrow.

My house is a wreck and I hate it like this. I've never been an exceptional housekeeper, but neither have I ever been as bad as I am now. I care and yet I don't care. I want it to be clean and tidy but the effort is too much. For a while I just figured my cleaning skills were stagnant from being waited on so much during treatment. That was over three years ago, however, so that excuse has gotten pretty thin. I'm just plain lazy. Except I was never this lazy before.

Most of the time I don't feel sad so I can't be depressed, right? I'm just always tired. Unless I'm busy doing something. I love my job and I don't seem to have the lazy or tired problem there. But when I get home I'm too exhausted to do much of anything. If only I would eat better; exercise regularly; pray and or study my Bible more I would feel like I used to, right? If I would lose weight I would feel better about myself. If my house was clean I would feel better about myself. If I would accomplish something worthwhile I would feel better about myself.

This morning as we were getting ready for church I complained to Todd about having a headache and being tired even though I had a good 8 hours or so of sleep last night. Very cautiously he said, "I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to get defensive. I just want you to think about it. You might be depressed." Instead of getting defensive or thinking about it I told him I thought he might be right.

We talked about it more this evening and I've decided to call my doctor tomorrow morning. Todd came right out and said I've not been the same for a while. The funny thing is I was fine during the year from hell. So why am I not fine now? Who knows? I suppose I don't have to know.

There's a part of me - a fairly large part of me - who hopes I am depressed. It would explain so much of my behavior that I don't like at all. My laziness, my lack of concentration, my inability to stick to any type of exercise regime or eating plan - things I never had problems with before. Gosh! Maybe that's why I don't read like I used to. If there is a medication that I could take temporarily and would help me straighten out my wonkiness that would be great!

But here's my fear. From the minute I was diagnosed nearly four years ago I became the sole object of Todd's focus. He treated me like a queen, doting on me every second. When I had my mastectomy the following week he would hardly let anyone near me. He emptied my drains, bathed me, Veeted my legs, brought me food, set me up in the chair or in bed, made sure I was comfortable -- you name it, he did it. I worried that as soon as he was left alone and given time to think about our situation he would have a breakdown. Ten days after my surgery he got in his truck and left for the 1200 mile drive.

The first day was fine and he drove to Bristol, Virginia. The next morning after about an hour or so of driving he ended up in an ambulance on his way to a hospital with heart attack symptoms. It all caught up to him and he was put on an antianxiety and an antidepressant. After we were reunited as a family and everything was good again he tried to go off the antidepressant. Turns out the withdrawals from this particular medication are as bad as the original symptoms. So he's on this drug indefinitely and he hates it. I'm afraid of that happening.

I hope this post hasn't given the impression that I'm always sad or mopey or distraught. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not severely depressed - I don't feel hopeless and I'm not having suicidal tendencies AT ALL. It doesn't effect my job or my marriage or my parenting (I don't think, anyway). I would guess most people I know have no idea I've been having these struggles, though there were a couple people at church this morning who could tell something wasn't right. But that's because all of this came to a head today.

So why tell you all this? I'm not sure. Maybe for some wise words from those of you who have similar struggles. Maybe for prayers. Maybe because writing all this down is good therapy. Or maybe just to say that even a good Christian can be depressed.

Labels: attitude, God, hope, prayer, sadness

Mused by Jenster :: 7:10 PM :: 20 People musing:

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Friday, January 02, 2009

Continuing...

I'm going to see if I can knock out the rest of the holiday saga. Here we go...

* Taylor has continued on with his yearly Christmas tradition of being sick on Christmas. Poor baby.

I am not kidding. Every stinkin' year he has a head cold or a sinus infection or bronchitis or something. One year we were doing family pictures with a professional photographer and he was miserable. We pumped him up with Tylenol and managed the session in the fever-free, half-way okay window. Another year he sat alone at a little table in the entryway of the in-law's house which was close to, but not actually at the big table because he was sick and nobody wanted that Christmas gift. This year he laid on the couch in view of the rest of us at the dinner table. It's so sad. But he takes it in such stride and never complains.

* The food has been phenomenal.

Chicken piccata, homemade tacos, breakfast casserole, hashbrown casserole, donuts, cakes, coffee, bagels, authentic shepherd's pie - and that's all I can remember at the moment.

* We're up to 14 people (counting the twins) in two condos and there's always something going on. Katie has shown her competitive side which makes me think of a story. Sorry. You'll have to wait for the story.

There are times when Katie does something that is so me I have to laugh. Playing games is no different. She learned how to play Mexican Train (dominoes) and Triominoes with Aunt Joanne, cousin Stacy and Stacy's boyfriend, Niall. Since she's 14 they took it a little easy on her. Until they realized that she learned quickly, plays dirty and takes no prisoners. Kind of like when I was about her age and my parents went out of town, leaving me with my cousins Ron & Barb for the weekend. They taught me how to play Hate Your Neighbor - UNO before there was UNO. I caught on fairly fast and played with a vengeance. Their friend, a priest, came over to play and he kept saying he was going to grab his exorcism kit from the car because I was clearly evil. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (I say while fiendishly rubbing my hands together)

Am I proud that my genteel daughter has a vicious game playing streak? You betcha!!

* The temps have been in the 50's and everybody thinks it's freezing, meanwhile the boys in my family are walking around in shorts and t-shirts.

I love the desert. I really do. I forget just how much until I find myself in the Southwest or Palm Springs. One of the things I love is the winter weather. Mild and sunny during the day and crisp and cool at night. Perfect!

* I shall be forever grateful that Taylor brought his computer, otherwise I might be rolled up in the fetal position in the corner shaking uncontrollably. But don't tell him I said that. I gotta keep it cool around him.

This one needs no explanation.

* Grandpa made a total funny about books. I'll tell you about it later.

Grandpa noticed Katie's big book and she told him she reads a lot. He said he's been reading a lot of books lately, too. On tape.

* People who live in golf resorts don't look kindly upon golf cart races. Just sayin'.

This was a little misleading as no actual races took place. Taylor wanted to pull a Mario Andretti around the resort, but the cart will only go so fast. He would try to catch up to people, but it never happened.

He did nearly throw me out the windshield by stomping on the break and gave me whiplash by stomping on the accelerator. I didn't find the humor in either. At all.

* Todd's back. Just a little teaser. More on that after the holidays.

Some of you may recall Todd used to have a blog called Jenni and Me. He started it on August 24, 2007 and ended it on September 11, 2007. He saw it as his chance to show people a different perspective than mine. Totally unnecessary as evidenced by the very short run. But for some reason he's felt the need to start it back up. Probably because I don't talk enough about Sookie. Whatever. As long as he keeps his stories to puppy antics we'll get along just fine.

Labels: attitude, blog, family, food, fun, holidays, reading, vacation

Mused by Jenster :: 10:54 AM :: 5 People musing:

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Thursday, October 16, 2008

More About The Weekend

Sing 4 Joy Some people won't leave me be so I'm going to share a few random pictures and stories from last weekend.

Look at what GGG brought me from Texas:



It's a box of Texas Fortune Cookies. Each contains Texan trivia. This is what I've learned.

1. Texas leads the country in the sale of pick-up trucks.

2. The King Ranch, the largest ranch in Texas, is located in Kingsville, and is larger than Rhode Island.

3. DFW, the nation's largest airport, has the world's largest parking lot. It is located in Grapevine, Texas.

4. Dallas has more retail shopping space per capita than any other U.S. city.

5. Houston is the largest city in Texas by population.

Not only am I a history geek, I also hoard useless trivia. (I am such a blast at a party!) So this was right up my alley.

***

This is mostly for S4J and GGG. On our way into Philadelphia I was telling them how I loved the multitude of old farm houses and churches in our area. In fact we have one of the prettiest farms just around the corner from us. Katie piped in, You mean the one with "God Bless America" on the barn?

Me: It doesn't say "God Bless America", it says "Live Free or Die".

Know it All: No. It says, "God Bless America". I know because I see it every morning from the bus.

Me: Well, then they've changed it very recently because it used to say "Live Free or Die".

Omniscient Teen: No. It's always said "God Bless America".

Okay. Not the time or place for this argument so we drop it. Until we come home and I drive by the farm to see. Let's take a look, shall we??



Can't read it? How about now?


BAM! Who's yo mama now?? Well. Would you look at that. Apparently I was correct. Isn't it a beautiful farm? I want to live there but the residents aren't real keen on me moving in.

***

Don't fret. There is more to come!!

Labels: attitude, friends, fun, kids, photography, random

Mused by Jenster :: 9:18 AM :: 14 People musing:

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Sunday, October 05, 2008

Learning from the Beatles - Part II

I've been kind of, um, oh, I don't know. "Pissy" is the best word I can think of to describe my attitude lately. Not really angry or mean, but not in the best humor, either. Little things bug me and I don't have my usual ocean of patience. Okay. Maybe not "usual ocean", but just not as much patience as I usually have - whatever that may be.

There's no discernible reason for my less than cheery attitude. Not one that I can come up with anyway. And since introspection is not my thing I'll just let it ride its course and hopefully it will be over with ASAP.

The beeping alarm at 6:30 this morning did little to improve my mood. If it hadn't been such a chore to open my eyes I would have glared daggers at Todd for agreeing to go to the 8:00 service. I knew my disposition was not exactly pleasing to God and I really tried to change the direction of my thoughts, but I was just so tired. And being so tired was making me pouty and grumbly. I get up at 6:30 five days a week just so I can see Taylor before he leaves for school at 6:45! Isn't that sacrifice enough?? Have I told you in the last week just how much I HATE the morning? Especially when it's cold and the bed is so toasty warm and snuggly.

The hot shower did help quite a bit and by the time we got to church I was feeling much better in my spirit. That's just one of the ways I know we're at the right place. I almost get excited when I pull into the parking lot and then when I see my friends I DO get excited.

Today's Beatles song was "We Can Work It Out" and the topic was anger. Uh, God? Are you talkin' to me? You? Talkin' to me? So I'm not yelling at my family or giving them the cold shoulder or even keeping everything inside (because I don't know what 'everything' is), but I am letting stupid things grate on me.

I know God is bigger than the boogy man (Ha! I typed booby man!) and I'm really good about giving all the big stuff to Him. Where I have a problem is not wanting to bother him with the little, seemingly insignificant stuff. Like my inexplicable irritations. And the explicable ones, for that matter. Bad Jen!

So I'm in a waaaay better mood right now. And I don't think it's just because I'm all alone and nobody is here to bug me. I'll let you know in another hour when I'm not all alone. I suppose the true test will be this evening when I'm working registration for the youth group. If 150 (or so) teenagers don't ruffle my feathers then I'll know for sure!

Labels: attitude, change, Discipleship, friends, God, prayer, worship

Mused by Jenster :: 10:41 AM :: 9 People musing:

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