Jenster's Musings

Monday, January 12, 2009

Where In The World Have I Been?

Or more appropriately, where has the last week gone?? Is this what happens when you go back to work? You're actually up and out and doing things and the next thing you know, the entire week is gone and you're onto the next one? And not just the working thing, either, but Todd was in Phoenix last week which meant I was running the kids all over the place just about every night. So who has time to blog? (Sorry Lynilu!)

Saturday I worked in Katie's room with her. Holy moly, is all I'm gonna say. 'Cause really, anything else would just be mean. OH ALL RIGHT! I've just gotta say a little more. What an absolute disaster! We got a lot done, but we're far from finished. We did see - and even vacuum - a good deal of carpet that we haven't see in quite some time. That was exciting.

Saturday night I had a little bit of a meltdown. It was a cumulation of a lot of things - some big, some not so big - all related to cancer in some form or fashion. It sounds pretty lame to me considering I've been out of treatment for over three years now. It's this stinking "new normal". I don't like it. I miss the old normal. I was fairly happy with the old normal. It wasn't perfect by any means, but I was comfortable and content with who I was. Now I have a hard time seeing that same person. And not just my outward appearance, either. Even my way of thinking is different and not necessarily for the better.

I blame Beth Moore for the cryfest. My Home Team is doing her study on David and Friday we watched a video where she talked about the process of dealing with an overwhelming circumstance when you're close to God. With each step she mentioned I could see a short video of my life three-plus years ago played out and, frankly, it hurt.

I saw myself flat on the floor next to my bed, crying my heart out to God. I saw myself during the days before my surgery, praying the doctor was wrong. I saw myself as I was going through chemo, weeping and praying for success and asking to be around long enough to see my grandchildren. I saw myself when I was weak or in pain or heartbroken over my long distance marriage, praying for the strength to just get to the next day. And I saw myself following all my scans and appointment with my oncologist after my last treatment, praising God and thanking Him for getting me through it all.

Try as I might to go to my happy place and ignore Beth Moore altogether, I couldn't do it and I ended up in tears. Stupid Beth Moore. Stupid leaky eyes. But what great friends I have to love me despite my little emotional outburst.

After that I was kept pretty busy and didn't have a lot of time to think about and process the lesson. But deep inside I knew it would happen because there are some things I'm still dealing with that make me very sad, though I tend to just push those matters to the back. But Beth had opened the door and by Saturday night the door flew open and it all came spilling out. Poor Todd. Or I should say poor, wonderful Todd.

There is, as usual, much more to the story that I'm not willing to share. Some things are just too personal (she who wrote nearly every detail of her breast reconstruction says). At least for right now. Some day it will be written down for all to read, though. Because nobody ever told me it would be like this and though I realize everybody is different, I'm finding out these taboo issues are common among survivors.

Not surprisingly, I slept really well Saturday night! And last night, too. I had the hardest time getting out of the bed this morning. Not only that, but I'm just about to admit I'm getting sick. So far I've managed to deny it to myself and everyone else, but the sandpaper in my throat can be ignored for only so long. And now it's after 11:00 and I have to get up early tomorrow!! Because, you know, I'm still working toward that Mother Of The Year thing. Only 352 days left! But I have to say, each freezing morning I get up and out early enough to drive my kids the half a block to the bus stop the less appealing the award is looking to me.

So there you have it. That's where I've been. Right here, doing my thing - whatever that may be.

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